How not to try contact lenses

I had my first contact lens “lesson” last week, and to say it was terrible would be an understatement. Honestly, I don’t know why any part of me thought I would succeed in a procedure that required precision, dexterity, and the ability to touch my own eyeball repeatedly.I’ve never been successful with anything physical No Involving precision, dexterity, and repeated touches of one’s own eyeballs, think about it: All piercings ended disappointingly when the hole inexplicably decided to close on its own; my flirtation with eyelash extensions was painful and short-lived , didn’t even get me started when I thought I should be using a diaphragm.

I’m happy to do things with my body, as long as I don’t have to interact with it as skillfully as you’d expect (I don’t know) from a medical professional. I like no responsibility. For example, I can use a battery powered foot file but if you let me inject myself with life saving anticoagulants twice a day for a week I’ll look at you with a distant look that means I sure have no Processing instructions. I can clean my bikini line but don’t make me check my C-section wound for infection. Come on, hit my ears, but I can assure you, I’m not going to turn the studs to release the stench.

Due to my aversion to having my body disturbed in any shape or form after having a baby, I’ve vetoed a few things: getting a birth control coil, starting my much needed Invisalign program (I have an occlusal issue that needs to be corrected ) and any form of treatment. Facial alterations, injections or adjustments. Unless surgery has the potential to prevent me from getting sick or dying, I’m not interested, never will be. Get the hell out of here with your needles, rollers, and anything that freezes your fat.

So why did I decide to give up wearing contact lenses? Of course, this decision was ill-advised at best. At its worst, it’s downright insane. I had a total meltdown during my first cystoscopy (google it if you dare) and I was so traumatized that I sat in the tub for five hours, rocking back and forth in silence, with my knees pulled chest.what made me think of plugging something into my Eye Will it get better?Had to touch those wobbly eyeballs, those jelly balls, where Lady Caroline came from succession (May one of the best dramas of all time rest in peace) Calling it “face” in such a disgusting tone?

Apparently it would be better to stick something in my eye.I’m so retarded I mean if you could choose whether to open your eyelids or rub your eyeballs hard over and over again or If you had a camera stuck in your piss then I can imagine you falling into the same camp as me. I choose eyeballs every time. Still, it’s not what I would consider an enjoyable pursuit.Apparently my eyelids flicker, which gets in the way when wearing contact lenses, but please tell me: what is a sociopath No Cringe when something approaches their naked, vulnerable eyeballs?

Anyway, it took a long time to put the damn thing in, and I haven’t even done it myself yet. I have astigmatism so some parts of the lenses are thicker and I have to blink multiple times to get them into place, it feels like blinking like the lashes are stuck in my eye, everything feels very counterintuitive. If I’m being honest, even with the lenses in place, it still feels like lashes or debris.

But as soon as I recovered from one ordeal, another began: a lesson in how to take the damn thing out. I was standing in front of a mirror that was apparently meant to show me my worst self, and all I could see was a version of myself who was at least fifteen years older than the one I was used to. (Probably because I’m too blind) Pulling faces that wouldn’t be out of place in an aquarium, poking my own eyeballs over and over again while exclaiming “uh”, “oh” and “argggh”!

If anyone happened to find me unaware of my predicament that I had to sit around until I learned how to get rid of these eyeballs of doom, they would think I needed immediate help. Because who wants to sit there and run their fingers over their eyeballs until they’re dry (I need emergency eye drops) and sore (of course they’re sore) when there’s row after row of perfectly comfortable glasses to try on around the corner?

It has to get better. That’s what everyone keeps telling me, and that’s why I’m trying the whole thing again. For lack of a better phrase. I have another date– Dead Eyes Episode 2 – at the end of the week, it’s going to be disastrous, ending with another minor panic, and I keep saying “For God’s sake, get them out of here – take them off me! ’, or I’m going to win with my trial pack of everyday-only lenses and the strides I’m making. Refuse to try, and draw a line under my contact lens shenanigans.

Huge thanks to everyone who has sent tried and tested contact lens methods so far, they are all very much appreciated.May I raise my hand for those who think it will no way After conquering it, they went away for the first time, but then reappeared, to use my own description, triumphant?

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