Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where all is for naught and we are but accidental jolts of electrified meat stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe.
Every so often the NFL gets it right, and the suspension fits the malfeasance. Dallas Cowboys running back Ronald Jones was handed a two-game slap on the wrist for violating the league’s PED policy, and it’ll largely go overlooked because Jones is on his third team in three years, and is a day away from the contemporary cliff for running backs.
Jones said the failed test was due to a heart medication he’s been on since entering the league, which is fine. I’ve been on “medicine” for latent glaucoma since I was 16, so no judgment here.
At the same time, say it wasn’t heart medication, and the substance was HGH or whatever, there’s no blaming Jones for acknowledging reality, and trying to wring a couple of more years out of his body, especially at that violently underpaid position.
Aside from Jones’ personal preservation and the financial gains that come with being in the NFL, football fans generally don’t care about steroids.There’s a gentlemen’s agreement among players that once you enter the league, you waive all rights to a long, healthy life. There’s no shortage of guys out there willing to ruin their body, so why not let them, and why stop at steroids?
Let’s see how far science can push the human body; reenforce the joints of juice heads like David Boston so their ACLs can handle the torque of physical perfection. Remember how good Shawne Merriman was before the league cracked down on him? I want an NFL full of super soldiers (as long as the participants are willing) and I don’t give a shit if they fail the Steve Rogers morality test.
These guys are already trading away their brains, and a few might snap, but all the macabre crimes can be blamed on CTE. And we don’t have to stop at bloodsports.
And you get some HGH, and you get some HGH
Bring back MLB’s steroid era, so batters can at least try to level the playing field. The sport is broken up into distinct periods as it is, the record books are already fucked, and someone needs to knock Barry Bonds off the top of the single-season home run record. It’s hard enough to make contact off these pitchers, and even the slightest of barreled offerings should streak out of the park like a dying star.
Imagine what blood doping and German scientists could do to extend the playing careers of NBA players. LeBron James could vie for titles for the next two decades, which is probably the same amount of time it’ll take him to pass Michael Jordan on that front.
I would stop short of reinstating Lance Armstrong, though. It’s not that he’s a dick (he is), but I like real sports, not guys trying to be the best at working out. Stop whining about the integrity of sports as if that’s the only segment of society being pillaged by humans bereft of morals.
Have you been to a gym lately?
I’m pretty sure GNC has dialed in its over-the-counter packages since the days of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Take a stroll in South Beach, bike Lake Shore, or go literally anywhere in Los Angeles, and you’ll see any number of Instagram models and influencers. Newsflash: Most of them are enhanced by more than filters and photoshop.
Money and a good surgeon can fix every physical flaw, even your calves. Calf implants are the epitome (nadir?) of IG culture. They’re a seemingly innocuous part of the body, but with the right light, and camera angle, those beauties will sing, and become irresistible to the person of your fancy. Occasionally, I’ll work a lunge into a first date, and I gotta say, there’s no better indication of superficiality than a girl eye-fucking your lower leg.
If you’re worried about what steroid use tells children, go watch 60 Minutes, and tell me where a little HGH lands on the lengthy scroll of irresponsible behavior being normalized for kids by adults. If the world is able to overcome climate change, we’re still going to have to reckon with AI, and will likely need more than a few genetically engineered, or enhanced, individuals to combat whatever the robots send back in time.
But honestly, a meteor will probably wipe out the planet first, so none of this matters (if it ever did in the first place), especially not a two-game timeout for Ronald Jones.
